When Loneliness Is Good

Let’s not confuse the state of being alone, with loneliness.

Being intentionally alone is a very different experience to loneliness; for me solitude is soothing and even addictive.

And it is possible to feel lonely even while surrounded by people, because loneliness is not a state of existence; it’s an emotion.

Loneliness is a subjective, unwelcome feeling of lack or loss of companionship, which happens when there is a mismatch between the quantity and quality of the social relationships that we have, and those that we want.

Perlman and Peplau, 1981

Having Someone to Miss

Can you feel lonely if you have nobody to miss?

After my divorce (? shocker, I know!) I felt so depleted in life. There were several other negative situations happening simultaneously that further damaged my ability to cope with any emotion. So I secluded myself from anyone and everyone. I arranged my life in a way that I no longer had anyone in it to be missed.

Since hitting the road in my Ambulance I’ve done a lot of personal work. This year especially, I’ve come to actively seek out close connections again.

And with it, the chance at experiencing loneliness; I see as only a positive. A signal that I’m now ready to relearn that aspect of emotional control.

The Expectation Pit

What is it they say about expectations?…

If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.

Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

And although you may imagine that living out of an Ambulance with just my dogs creates an automatic state of loneliness, for me the experience has been to the contrary. Since adopting this lifestyle my social relationships have grown more fulfilling than I ever imagined they could.

But most of those new social relationships were easy to keep free from expectations; they are casual and non-committal.

It’s when you develop close relationships that unspoken expectations come too easy.

Finding The Opportunity in Loneliness

I’m big on problem solving; and turning the shit parts of life into opportunities for growth and happiness.

But loneliness… well let’s just say that historically I haven’t done well with it.

It makes me want to push the person or people I miss the most away instead of telling them how I really feel.

I don’t know if I’ve told you this yet or not; this is the best year of my life.

And in the best year of my life I’m no longer just allowing habits I’ve carried around since my childhood to fuck things up.

So that means I need opportunities like this to recognize, realize, and then change how I handle these life-long habits.

And on this beautiful summer weekend, that looked like putting my head down and getting work done that had a specific deadline instead of curling up into a ball and sleeping away the day.

It meant lying on the floor of my house at noon and meditating to relax, change my mental energy, and visualize future goals.

It meant taking the dogs out for a late afternoon walk among all the tourists – which we would normally avoid at all costs on the weekend.

It meant shutting off my electronics and finishing a piece of artwork with no clue how to proceed but doing it anyways and letting intuition take the wheel. I’m in love with it too.

And not only was that loneliness a chance to evaluate my own state of existence, it was a chance to work without distraction on several positive activities.

I even had a friend stop by to say hi and whether she knows it or not it was just the reminder I needed that any negative emotional state is transient; you only need to feel lonely for as long as you allow yourself to be alone.

Of course I still strongly dislike the feeling of being lonely; but it can only be a torture when I give it the power to do so.

When’s the last time you felt lonely and what did you do about it? Tell me about it.