Maybe getting sick with Mercury Poisoning was the greatest gift of my adult life.
I’ve decided to take myself on a spiritual journey. It’s time, I think I’m ready.
Taking a break from chelation for a couple of months to let the Mercury settle.
Communing with some psychedelics. Talking to the wood elves. Flipping some tarot cards. Everything completely unscientific and against Western medicine.
Have no idea where it will take me, but I’m sure it will take me somewhere.
I have my little notebook, and very specific pointed questions. Leaving the rest up to what’s hidden behind the reality we make up with our eyes.
#tarot #psychadelics #woodelves #realitybehindoureyes #communing
Here’s the deal, I’ve been physically sick for a very long time; most of my life in fact. To some degree or another. Sick enough to conjure up all kinds of stopgap fixes. Duct tape on the always-growing crack in my above-ground-pool nobody really wants to swim in anymore.
Not a full-blown problem, but also a full-blown problem.
Bad, but not that bad((“The Peculiar Longevity of Things Not So Bad” by Matthew Lieberman investigates this paradox.)).
Hair falling out, too tired to walk, falling over when trying to walk, unable to remember anything, unable to participate in conversations. Those things are too bad to just ignore.
Having a growing list of bizarre food intolerances for twenty + years; honestly, not that bad. Having that list continue to grow to the point of losing 35 pounds in 6 months is now an unsustainable level of bad.
My body has been showing my signs of a deeper problem since I was 7 when I gained a bunch of weight, suffered repeat illnesses, panic attacks, depression, suicidal ideation, cataplexy, and more.
My neighbor Gus kindly suggested I look into hypnotism to help with the food stuff. “Ya know, your mind is really powerful,” and I could tell he was genuinely trying to help and not just dismissing it as being made up and “just in your head.”
Not too long before this I had an intense experience that put me face-to-face with the fact that all of the trauma I’ve been accumulating in my life needs real dedicated attention.
I’ve been tending to some of that garden in recent years. Talk therapy, setting hard boundaries, trauma release exercises1, micro-dosing((Life saving for me to finally break the cycle of PTSD episodes I was trapped in.)), and DBT((Dialectical Behavior Therapy)) have all helped.
But I know there is a deep dark well of repressed trauma I’ve been terrified to touch.
And that terror is two-fold.
One, I have a life to maintain! I have a job I need to be able to show up for and a dog that depends on me. I’m bougie homeless in my ambulance, but I don’t want to end up literally homeless! What if I get trapped in some trauma response and end up losing it all?! What if it’s too much to handle and I have a total break down. I could end up in a mental institute, a drug addict, or committing suicide.
I don’t for a second believe I’m above any of those outcomes; I’m strong but everyone has a breaking point.
And second, what if I actually deserved all of the terrible things that happened to me? Certainly, if they were as bad as I fear someone somewhere, at some point in my life, would have said something. They wouldn’t have just watched it happen silently, like they did, would they?
Would they?
It’s time.
I met a very broken man this fall. He put so much time, energy, and effort into showing up as no-longer-broken. All I could think was, “he must be tired all the time.”
I don’t want to be him in 12 years. I don’t want to be the same version of me in 12 years either. I want more out of myself and life.
And I feel like I’ve laid the ground work to take the next step; even if the unknown is scary.
The Process
In my early 20’s I participated in regular Ayahuasca ceremonies with a close friend who was studying to become a Shaman. I’ve been familiar with native medicines since childhood and am pursuing this path with their assistance and guidance.
I can’t do it all alone, and I don’t have to anymore.
I’ll be sharing some of my experiences; maybe it will provide some value in your own life. I wish I had encountered more people working towards these things than I had earlier in life but we’re here now so it’s perfectly wonderful. ❤️
I’ll be posting some of my sessions to YouTube, if you aren’t already please consider subscribing.
- Specifically, the Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises developed by Dr. Berceli. Good stuff. [↩]
